In the Middle of ‘What If’ and ‘I Should Stop’ - There Is Me

Infertility does strange things to time.

You’re constantly suspended in the space between hope and letting go.

Between “What if this is the month?”
and “Maybe I should stop trying.”

That space…
is terrifying.
It’s lonely.
It’s invisible to most people.
And yet, I lived there for years.

It’s a place filled with Google searches at 2 AM,
prayers whispered into pillows,
and appointments booked with trembling hands and high hopes.

Every decision felt loaded.

Do I try one more round?
Should I take a break?
Am I still strong or just stubborn?
Is this faith or denial?

There were days I felt like a warrior.
And others where I couldn’t get out of bed.
Some days I couldn’t recognize myself anymore.

But in the middle of all of it…
in the middle of “What if…” and “I should stop…”
There was me.

Me, trying to hold onto possibility.
Me, trying to protect my heart from another break.
Me, redefining what it means to be a woman, a partner, a human.
Me, learning how to keep loving my body while also grieving what it couldn’t give me.

I wasn’t weak for hoping.
I wasn’t broken for grieving.
I wasn’t selfish for wanting more.
And I wasn’t a failure when I decided I couldn’t keep doing this forever.

I was simply… human.

So if you’re reading this while sitting in your own in-between,
in that heavy pause between “What if” and “I should stop”,
please know that you’re not alone.

You are still you.
You are still worthy.
And whatever you decide, your story is still one of resilience and grace.

Because that middle place?
It’s not where you lost yourself.
It’s where you found yourself.

And that matters more than anything.